Helping Children Grieve After Loss
Grief can be difficult to talk about for anyone. But helping a child through the grieving process poses its own challenges.
Grief can be difficult to talk about for anyone. But helping a child through the grieving process poses its own challenges, especially if this is the first loss they’ve experienced. You may be wondering how to start the conversation, how honest to be with your child, or whether you should seek professional help.
It’s normal to have questions during this tough time. Here’s what you need to know so that you can guide your child through their grief—and help them come out stronger on the other side.
How do children grieve?
Children may respond to loss differently depending on their age. For example, infants won’t understand the concept of death. Instead, they notice people’s absence. After the loss of someone close to them, infants and toddlers may be more irritable or less active. They may also be less engaged in activities they usually enjoy.
Once children can communicate, they can begin to understand what death means. Young kids often:
Believe death is temporary and reversible. They may think death is like sleeping and only lasts for a limited amount of time.
Feel guilty. After a loved one passes, they may think the person died because they wished they would go away.
Think that their loved one will return if they are good enough.
React through behaviors, such as irritability, aggression, and difficulty sleeping.
Meanwhile, older children may think of death as a spirit or an angel. Teens might not know how to handle the wide range of emotions they feel after a loss. Because of this, they may close themselves off following the death of a loved one. You might notice them retreating from family life and spending more time with friends. Or they may act more aggressively.
It’s important to remember that all of these are natural responses. Give your child the space and support they need to process their emotions.
How can I help my child cope with loss?
As a parent, your first instinct is likely to protect your child. So your initial response may be to shield your child from their grief as much as you can. But using euphemisms for death or sugarcoating the truth often causes more harm—and confusion—than good.
Even if it’s hard, be honest with your child so they can begin to process their loss. Try to:
Use simple, direct terms. You can explain death by saying that the person’s body has stopped working. They can no longer do any of the things they did in life, such as breathing or moving.
Share your family’s religious or spiritual beliefs about death. If your child is having trouble with their faith after the death of a loved one, allow them to process their doubts. Once they’re ready, direct them to a religious authority you trust.
Encourage your child to express their emotions. This might mean asking questions or expressing themselves in an art form, like drawing, writing, or playing a musical instrument.
Make sure they know that they’re not to blame for the person’s death.
Provide extra attention and reassurance. If they’ve lost a parent, your child may worry about who will take care of them.
Keep old routines as much as possible. Try to maintain familiar schedules—and be sure to include time for fun. This can help your child feel grounded and secure.
Assure them that grief is complex. It involves many emotions and can span long periods. And everyone feels it differently.
Share your own grief. You may want to appear strong for your child. But showing your own grief can help them feel more comfortable with their own emotions.
Reassure your child that they’re not betraying their loved one by being happy. Remind them that their loved one would want them to continue living their life.
When to seek help
While it’s OK to experience a range of reactions to grief, sometimes your child might need professional help. If this is the case for your family, make sure your child knows there’s nothing wrong with needing help from a therapist or grief counselor.
Your child might benefit from seeing a mental health professional if they:
Show signs of depression for an extended period of time, such has feeling sad, hopeless, or worthless.
Are unable to sleep or has a prolonged fear of being alone.
Revert to an earlier developmental stage. If your child is a toddler, this may mean reverting to infantile behavior. This is a typical short-term response to grief, but if it lasts for a long time, you may want to consider seeking treatment.
Struggle in school. Even though this is a natural immediate reaction to loss, help may be needed if issues persist.
Express that they wish to join their dead loved one.
Call 988 in a crisis
If your child is thinking of harming themselves or others, call or text 988. You will be connected with trained crisis counselors at the 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline. The 988 Lifeline is free and available 24/7.
Working through the complexities of grief is challenging for adults, let alone children. Remember, there's no one-size-fits-all approach to grief. Each child copes in their own way and time, and as caregivers, your biggest role right now is to guide, support, and be patient as they navigate their personal journey through loss.
To find support in your area, call 1-800-662-HELP (4357) or visit the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration for free and confidential information.